Love

Posted by on Aug 22, 2013 in Emotion, Mental, Spiritual | 6 comments

How far would you go for love?
How about the ‘what wouldn’t I do for true love…’ concept? We are taught to think of love as the most powerful force known to man, yet it is completely undefinable. We all have very different ideas about love, what it is, what it means to us, what we will do to get it and why it matters so much to us.

Falling in love is wonderful. It makes us feel good, energized, powerful, desirable, validated. Yet when it seems to go away we can spin in the exact opposite direction. Often we feel depressed, angry, powerless, unwanted and worthless. Then, there is the confusion when we find someone that we love, they love us back and it isn’t magically perfect. Cue the singing birds and mice and fairy godmother.

Where did we get our definition of love? There are many who say we got it from the nicer version of fairy tales; that many folks suffer from the Cinderella fantasy or the Prince Charming/ Knight in shining armor fantasy. Truthfully, I think that is part of it. We hear these tales from a very young age and they do become part of our perception of the world. I know I dreamed of being ‘rescued’ when I was younger. I also believe that the idea of rescue and being the rescuer comes from self-worth.

Self-worth is the key to the love we expect, accept and give back.
We seem to have created an external definition about love, that it comes from someone else and it defines us. Ever hear a story about someone staying in an abusive relationship? Why would they get hit and hurt and stay? Or get the courage to leave but go back to it?

The pure and simple truth of that is the person getting hit expects to be hurt to get loved so they accept it in the name of love. The person doing the hitting expects to be able to hurt to show love so they don’t stop themselves. What about the person who constantly becomes the other ‘man or woman’? Or the one who has someone on the side? What kind of love is that?

Simply put, it is one that says neither person actually believes they are worth loving so they will set it up to fail before it can actually fail. Easier to say what a mess than to say that loving didn’t work out. In all of these scenarios the cycle of pain just continues to go in circles.

Being in love isn’t a solution to a problem.
So many times I have heard that getting married when things were rough was the solution, we loved each other so that should have fixed it. Or to add to the challenge, we loved each other, so we figured having a baby would make things better between us. Why are things still hard?

Things are still hard because loving someone doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy, or that you like the other person, or that you are actually good for each other in the long term. Rushing down the aisle or to the delivery room is just a way to mask things that aren’t ok. Your partner won’t suddenly be able to read your mind and know what you need or want because of a ceremony. And adding a child into the mix usually just makes things harder, and puts a very convenient barrier between partners that aren’t working well together.

Love is a gift we give ourselves because at the end of the day you get exactly the kind of love you give out.
Love is internal, it is personal and even when it is associated with another person it is still all about us and how it makes us feel. That other person isn’t doing anything, nor can they feel what you are feeling. Expecting someone you love to just know you and what you need is truly the fairy tale in this story. The truth is we love who we love because they fill the emotional holes in us, and if we are filling negative holes, like abuse, then they will supply abuse.

When you find the courage to love and accept yourself, you can love many people in many ways and if you want to you can accept a partner that you not just love, but like and are willing to work with over many years. Abuse is no longer an option, either receiving or handing it out. Cheating becomes honest self-evaluation about what is missing in the relationship and an opportunity to grow together or walk separate paths with grace and friendship.

Love is not some illusion of grandeur; it is not a fairy tale.

It is a real result of kindness, acceptance, patience, honesty and hard work that you do on yourself; because you get back the kind of love you are able to give away. I ask again, how far will you go for true love? Will step the fairy tale train and enjoy the full reality of living and loving?

If this strikes a chord in you, then I want to talk to you and hear your story. Click here to connect with me.

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